Boundaries are hard, but a little practice goes a long way! Here are some concrete skills to help you get started. 

Thanks to @poojalakshmin's book "Real Self-Care" and @nedratawwab's book "Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself" for articulating these concepts so well. 

I'll be walking you through these skills and more on Wednesday from 6:00-8:00pm at our Real Self-Care workshop. There's still space to join in! Register here.

Do you struggle with saying "no"? Real self-care starts with setting boundaries and that might mean that you need to say no to requests, events or commitments that take the time and energy you want to use to care for yourself. 

Pooja Lakshmin, MD recommends thinking of boundaries as a pause. When someone asks you to participate in an event, you can pause before answering. When you get a text message requesting help, you can pause before responding. When that email comes in demanding extra work as soon as possible you can let it sit for 5 minutes or 30 minutes or an hour. If you're feeling pressured for an immediate response try, "I need to think about that first" or "I'll get back to you on that as soon as possible." 

Use the pause to check in with yourself. Where are your energy levels at? What else are you already committed to? Did you already have plans to use that time differently? Remind yourself that saying "yes" to everyone else often equals saying "no" to yourself. Reflect on why it feels more doable to say "no" to your own needs than someone else's? 

Often, it's because we're afraid of backlash. We're so concerned about the possible fallout of saying "no" that we'd rather say yes to things we don't have time, energy or inclination for just to avoid the discomfort of someone else's frustration or disappointment. 

Next time you notice you're scared of the reaction you'll get if you say "no" ask yourself what the other person's negative response says about them. Think about what their reaction says about their view of the world, your role in their life and their unspoken assumptions or expectations. 

--Adapted from "Real Self-Care" by Pooja Lakshmin. 

Want more practical strategies for setting boundaries and saying "no"? Join me, next week for the "Real Self-Care" workshop! Wednesday, June 11th from 6:00-8:00pm. Free for members of My Inner Harbour, $10 for drop-in. Register here! 

This month we're focusing on the theme of "real self-care". The phrase "self-care" is everywhere these days. It shows up in advertisements for facial routines, meditation apps, nutritional plans and vacation packages. It can be hard to sort out what self-care really involves and how it serves us. 

Pooja Lakshmin (@poojalakshmin) is a psychiatrist and author of "Real Self-Care". Her book dives deep into the wellness industry and examines how, without principles underlying our methods, self-care can feel like a quick fix that never lasts or just one more task on a never-ending to-do list. 

Lakshmin defines four principles that are the foundation for real self-care: Setting boundaries, practicing self-compassion, deepening our self-knowledge and asserting our power. With these four principles working in tandem we can build a life that feels purposeful, where our actions line up with our values. 

Intrigued? I'll be facilitating a workshop based on Lakshmin's book on June 11th from 6:00-8:00pm. Free for members or $10 drop-in. Register on our website: myinnerharbour.ca/events

We had a great time at our Community Conversation last night on Friendship! Thanks to everyone who came and especially to our four panelists: Christina, Crystal, Andrew and Alyssa! I so appreciated hearing your stories and perspectives. 

Here are some of the key takeaways from our conversation: 

Friendships come in all shapes, sizes, time-lines and depths! There is no one size fits all, best type of friendship and we run the risk of missing out on great connections if we focus too much on the "BFF" version.

Working on our sense of self-acceptance and security is critical! It helps us manage the vulnerability it takes to turn acquaintances into friends. 

Knowing what we're looking for, what we realistically have time and energy for can help us be clear about our own expectations and be clear with our friends. Self-awareness is key here! 

I loved the garden metaphor Alyssa shared. Gardeners plant lots of different seeds. They all take different amounts of time to germinate. Some seeds don't germinate at all or the seedling dies. Some plants don't look like they're doing much and then suddenly: tomatoes! Some plants require extra care and others are drought resistant. 

Andrew added that it can be hard not to compare gardens, and how it important it is to value your own. Someone else's might look huge and showy, and even if our own is smaller it could be full of details and depth that you love and require just the right amount of energy to maintain. 

Gardeners also have to deal with a lot of uncertainty. You can't predict how the weather, the soil and this years pests will affect your garden. What you can do is show up consistently, do what you can, adjust your expectations as you go along and enjoy what does bloom!

Are you looking for someone who's always up for an adventure and will enthusiastically join you in activities? Or would you prefer a friend who's happy to grab takeout and watch a show at home? 

Do you care more if a friend is loyal or fun or generous or honest or kind? 

Not all friendships are the same. Maybe you already have the adventure friend, but would love someone to knit with. Maybe you're in a new season of life and need a friend who is navigating some of the same things. Maybe you've moved and are starting from scratch. 

Regardless, being clear on what you're looking for can help you take the first steps toward building the friendships you want.

You've gotten out of the house, put in the effort to make small talk, shown up to events, and now you're ready to turn some of the acquaintances you met into friends. 

Reflect on who you've met and how you felt around them. Often we have a good sense of who we'd like to get to know better and who seems interested in pursuing a friendship with us. 

Be prepared! Building a friendship and then maintaining is going to take energy and effort. Even just planning for a fun evening out will take time as you coordinate schedules, respond to texts and sometimes have to deal with an unexpected change of plans. 

Things won't always go smoothly and practicing self-compassion when you're feeling disappointed is critical. 

If it's so much energy and effort, is it really worth it? Yes, absolutely! Feeling connected, seen, heard and loved are essential components of our mental, emotional and physical health. We are wired to need each other and the joy when we feel connected is deeply healing.

We are closed Monday, May 19th for the Stat Holiday. See you back on Tuesday! 

Take a few minutes and think about the last time you made a new friend. Where did you meet? What happened? How did you know you wanted to be friends? Who followed up? When did you start feeling like you were moving from good acquaintance to good friend?

If you're in a place of needing to made new friends or wanting to deepen some acquaintances, what can you take from your previous experiences to guide you?

We are looking for a warm, welcoming person to host our summer playgroup from June to August. Playgroup will be from 9:00-12:00 Monday to Thursday. While generally intended to serve children 0-5 years old, older siblings are welcome along. Parents are expected to stay on site and supervise their children. 

Key Responsibilities:

Host playgroup every morning.

Set up and clean up the Children’s Area for playgroup every day.

Welcome families and help orient them to the activities.

Design and implement a playgroup format with a variety of activities.

Hours:

Monday-Thursday: 8:45am-12:15pm

14 hours a week at $20/hour

Desired Start & End Dates (we are flexible):

June 23rd, 2025- August 21st, 2025

Closed for Stat holidays: July 1st and August 4th.

Skills:

Organized and tidy

Patient, warm and friendly with children and parents

Enjoy preparing creative activities/leading circle or storytime

Welcoming and kind presence

Good at gently setting boundaries and reminding children of guidelines

Confident interacting with children of all ages

Qualifications:

High school diploma

Experience working with children (babysitting, volunteering with children, being a camp

counsellor, teaching assistant, etc.)

Further education in childhood development an asset

Required:

Police Check

For more information, or to apply please send a cover letter and resume to myinnerharbour@gmail.com.

The good news is there are lots of practical strategies out there for making friends! The bad news is that often we've overlooked the first step: our own inner work. Are we ready to make friends? 

Making friends takes time, effort, risk and vulnerability. If we aren't prepared we run the risk of burning out, being disappointed and getting hurt. 

Practicing self-compassion is the first step. Not everyone you reach out to will be interested in being friends. Not everyone you connect with will be the kind of friend you actually need. It's easy to turn these experiences into self-judgment. "I wonder what's wrong with me" or "I'm not fun enough". Self-compassion says: "I am both lovable and flawed and the people that can't accept and support all of me aren't for me." 

Knowing your core values and what kind of friendship you're looking for makes a difference, too. When you know what qualities you value, it's easier to discern whether a new acquaintance is someone you'd like to build a friendship with or not. Knowing that right now you need an activity friend who wants to hike, swim and go to the gym with you, also helps narrow down where you'll look for friends and who you'll reach out to. 

After that the practical strategies come into play! Google "how to make friends" and you'll find all kinds of awesome suggestions. With intentionality, patience and consistency these strategies really pay off! 

Lastly, communication is critical. Let your new acquaintance know you had a great time chatting. Ask if an art class buddy wants to regularly get together to create together when the class ends. Be clear about what you're hoping for and then circle back to self-compassion if the response isn't what you wanted. 

Want to chat further about the how to's of making friends? RSVP on our website for our Community Conversation: Friendship 101 on the 28th from 7:00-8:30pm!